9 DEPRESSION

BLINDED

I wake up in the morning depressed and in a lot of pain. I lay there for a while in the bed not wanting to go to the kitchen. Malik is in there and I don't want to step on his toes or make him mad by seeing me. Don't get me wrong I know the situation needs to be addressed but I know this time I may lose him. I battle with myself before my body wins because i end up needing to pee. I go to the washroom and use it. As I am walking back to the room I hear Malik "come here". I let out a sigh and walk to the kitchen. As usual breakfast is made and Malik is sitting at the head of the table. "Have a seat" he says gesturing to the chair.

    I pull the chair out and sit. Malik hands me a plate filled with eggs, pancakes, bacon, and toast. I start to eat but I can feel Malik staring at me. "We are having this talk now" he says. I nod my head yes knowing that I am not going to be able to get out of this one. "Who do you want Reema me or him? because you can't have both". The question that Malik just asked me is a no brainer. So without hesitation I reply "you". Malik still hasn't touched his food and hasn't stopped staring at me. "Me?" Malik questions.

    I can tell that this conversation isn't going to go very well. "Yes" I reply but Malik just laughs. "Reema do I look fucking stupid? Am I an idiot?" Malik flips. I say no quickly and Malik flies up from the table. "Then explain it to me? Is he right is it the dick?". I get up from the table "Malik you're out of line!". "Reema I'm out of line? Are you sleeping with this guy still?". I give Malik a dirty look and walk away. "No answer huh?" Malik laughs. "That's cool I will just go see how Tanya and my kid are doing."

    I stop dead in my tracks ready to turn around and attack Malik. I don't though I deserve Malik's pettiness. So I just continue to walk to the room. I close the room door but it quickly opens back up. "What did I save you for? The fun of it?" Malik asks. "Apparently you save everyone. That's what you do right? Tanya, Me, whomever else." I reply. "Then maybe I should have left your ass pregnant, beat up, and on your way to becoming a prostitute" Malik yells. I walk towards him and stand in his face. "Go take care of your tramp girlfriend and her kid, I will be gone in less than an hour." Malik and I stare at eachother long and hard before I walk away.

    I get all the stuff that is mine and leave everything that Malik had gotten me. I put it all in a bag and brush past Malik who is watching my every move. I leave the house and start walking to the bus stop. I have six dollars change in my wallet enough to catch the bus somewhere. The only place I can think about going to is a shelter. The bus arrives within ten minutes, I get on it without looking back. Without wanting too i start to think about Malik. Does he even care that i left? i take out my phone to check it. Nothing is there.


    In this moment I am not surprised. He is probably on his way to Tanya's right now. It hurt me when he made his remark about her. After all the fights and promises he made in regards to her i felt crushed. i feel tears sting my eyes. I knew Malik was to good to be true. I know that this was my fault I shouldn't have went to go see Keron. Yes I knew that things would end bad. I just didn't think that Malik would react this bad. Especially to use Tanya and her pregnancy. He even called her confused baby his to get back at me.

    I get off at my stop and walk the five minute walk to the shelter. I sign in and get lucky that there is a placement available right away for me. After showing me to my room I am on my own. I sit on the little bed and feel myself wanting to cry. I can't help but to think that I am in this position because of the same person I tried so hard to get away from. Now I am back to square one this time with a baby. I lay on the bed with my hand on my stomach "we will be okay" I tell the baby. I hear a knock at the door but I don't bother to answer it. I just want some alone time after everything that happened today.

    Some how in between all my thinking I fell asleep and woke up to a counselor telling me that it's time to eat. I have no appetite with all that is going on so I passed on eating. I check my phone and I have four missed calls from Malik. Apart of me wants to call back but I don't.  I also have a message from Keron saying that my man called him looking for me. I guess Malik does care after all. I'm still not calling him back though. Nor will i message or call Keron. I lock my phone and go to take a shower. I miss Malik already and it hasn't even been a day yet.

    The water is hot when i step into it. I soak my body and head because my head is killing me. I take the opportunity to wash my hair with the weird shampoo they have here. It makes my head feel so tingly that I get a little dizzy. When I come out I notice that my phone is going off. It's Malik again. Apart of me wants nothing to do with him but another part wants to just go back home. I fight a hard battle with myself to not answer his call. I watch it ring out over and over again as I get dressed. Before lights out I go to the kitchen to see if I can get a little snack.

    As I start to look for snacks I notice another pregnant girl doing the same.We take notice of eachother and she give a little laugh. I look back at her and smile. She looks a whole lot further in her pregnancy then I am. "I'm Shawna" the girl says while pointing to a cupboard. "Reema" I reply as I open it. JACKPOT! I say to myself when I find the snacks. I take out some crackers and cheese and sit down with Shawna. "So how old are you?" I ask. "twenty and before you ask I am twenty three weeks pregnant".

    "I'm nineteen and fifteen weeks pregnant". For the next hour and half I spend with Shawna getting to know her as she gets to know me. Shawna has no family or friends and keeps to herself. Her and her boyfriend who has recently cheated on her are always on and off as to why she is in a shelter. I confided in Shawna with my story and she is team Malik all the way. She also caught the many calls he was making to my phone in that time. She thinks that I should answer and see what he has to say but I rather not. As I told Shawna I am just not ready his words cut way to deep. I myself know that I am wrong too but I didn't take it as far as he did. Shawna also told me that she is getting her own place after being here only a month.

    It's now time for lights out. Before Shawna and I go our separate ways we exchange numbers. Shawna seems really cool and it's been a long time since I have had a friend. I go to my room and lay on the bed. It has been a really long day and I'm not ready for a new one. Malik is still calling every five minutes like clock work. I think about texting him but quickly change my mind. I shouldn't let him off so easily. So I turn off my phone and go to bed. The next morning I wake up in pain.

    My stomach cramps are intense and shortly after I start to feel nauseous. I take some deep breaths to try and calm my sick feeling but it doesn't work. I full sprint to the bathroom and vomit in the sink. The vomit is hard to come out and takes all my energy. When I am done I carefully brush my teeth. I have never in my life had to be cautious about brushing my teeth until now. Sometimes in mid brush I will start to throw up. When i am done i shower and get ready for the day. When I finally turn back on my phone I have a text from Shawna. She wants to hang out today.

    I feel kind of excited as I reply back with an "okay". There aren't any texts from Malik which makes me feel a bit sad for some reason. I go down and meet Shawna for breakfast. She even saved me a seat beside her. "So did you talk to Malik last night?" she asks. I shake my head no. "Why not you guys need to talk." Shawna insists. "I turned my phone off last night so he couldn't reach me." Shawna gives me a sadden look. "You are going to drive that man crazy girl" she says.

    "Can we change the subject please?" I ask not wanting to think of Malik. "Well I am leaving in three days so if you want you can always come and kick it with me until you get your shit striaght". "I'll think about it" I say as breakfast is served. It's nothing like what Malik makes. Maliks cooking tastes a lot better too but what can I do. Suddenly I lose my appetite and my stomach pain is back. "what's wrong?" Shawna asks. I tell her about my pain and vomiting. "You just need to relax and take it easy" she says.  Maybe she is right I just feel like I'm doing too much right now.

    After breakfast we go back to Shawna's room to watch movies for the day. "Now I really think you should come stay with me". "Why is that?" I ask. "Well because here isn't a bed of roses and your not going back to Keron or Malik." Shawna replies. I hate to admit it but Shawna is right again. On the bright side we got along amazingly. "You may have a point" I say. "Then it's settled, we're roommates!" Shawna screams. I can't help but to smile at her excitement. Who knew I would make a friend in this place.

    We spend the rest of the day watching romance movies and complaining about guys. My phone has started to go off every five minutes again. I still don't answer it nor do I text back when he asks for me to call him. What makes it worse is everytime the phone rings and I don't pick up Shawna give me the evil eye. "Answer the man he is obviously trying!" she yells. "I'm not ready" I reply. "Reema your the one who really fucked up not him". Just like that once again she is right. No matter what it was that Malik said I did deserve it. I just can't seem to bring myself to talk to him.

    "Reema he still has feelings for you if he didn't he wouldn't be ringing down your line." I nod my head to show her that I am taking in what it is that she is saying. Personally I still feel like I need space. Everything with Malik has been moving so fast and it's been drama after drama. The time apart will do us both some good. Especially to see if we really want to be with each other or not.